Hallucinations of Zeus
“…That one can be in love with several people at the same time, feel the same sorrow with each and not betray any of them.”
(Love in the Time of Cholera – Marquez)
You’re sitting there, right in front of me, spitting out irrelevant words on irrelevant subjects as you attempt in vain to escape the awkwardness of the moment. Your face changes, yet it’s always the same. Both of us are always waiting to hear the same words, but you know I simply can’t utter them. I’m distant and detached, as I’ve always been, but my confusion is totally new. A source for Pleasure or Torture; it’s entirely up to you to decide. I still haven’t learned how to interpret my feelings, and it might take me forever to express them. The long feared silence approaches, and you look me in the eyes, pleading me to block its way, but I stay silent and gaze away.
I’m so confused; I have no idea what I really want. I want to see you again, to sit there one more time, silently watching you. I want to hear your voice again, trembling as you try to tell me that you love me, right before your words are choked by my absence. I want to break your heart, and I want you to watch me as I sadistically enjoy your pain. I want you to fear me, I want you to hate me, and I want you to run away. Then, I want to follow you, to run after you knowing that my Life depends on it. And finally when I catch you, I will hold you close, wipe your tears and tell you in the most casual manner “Don’t you get it? It was just a Joke.”
I’ve climbed up these stairs so fast, unaware that they were collapsing beneath my heavy steps. Now I have to go back, to descend along that tiresome path, from God to Man to Wolf. The way down no longer exists, and my only option is to fall. All I need is some of my own blood to push away the doubts and summon up the courage to jump.
We’re sitting there once again, with oceans of wine between us. My mind is buzzing with Thoughts, with questions: “How did we reach this far?” and “"What’ll we do with ourselves this afternoon? And the day after that, and the next thirty years?"”. I’ll start drinking, one glass, then another, and another, till all my thoughts are subdued and my mind is cleansed of their poison. My Feelings will finally surface, strong and unmistakable, and I will know for certain that I love you. And after that, I will drink some more, piling up the empty bottles and drowning my feelings with alcohol. Eventually, only Desire will remain, that overwhelming urge to hold you, to kiss you, to make love to you on that stupid couch. Then, I will drink again, and again, and again and again, drying up my veins until I cease to be, and all that is left of me is You.
(Love in the Time of Cholera – Marquez)
You’re sitting there, right in front of me, spitting out irrelevant words on irrelevant subjects as you attempt in vain to escape the awkwardness of the moment. Your face changes, yet it’s always the same. Both of us are always waiting to hear the same words, but you know I simply can’t utter them. I’m distant and detached, as I’ve always been, but my confusion is totally new. A source for Pleasure or Torture; it’s entirely up to you to decide. I still haven’t learned how to interpret my feelings, and it might take me forever to express them. The long feared silence approaches, and you look me in the eyes, pleading me to block its way, but I stay silent and gaze away.
I’m so confused; I have no idea what I really want. I want to see you again, to sit there one more time, silently watching you. I want to hear your voice again, trembling as you try to tell me that you love me, right before your words are choked by my absence. I want to break your heart, and I want you to watch me as I sadistically enjoy your pain. I want you to fear me, I want you to hate me, and I want you to run away. Then, I want to follow you, to run after you knowing that my Life depends on it. And finally when I catch you, I will hold you close, wipe your tears and tell you in the most casual manner “Don’t you get it? It was just a Joke.”
I’ve climbed up these stairs so fast, unaware that they were collapsing beneath my heavy steps. Now I have to go back, to descend along that tiresome path, from God to Man to Wolf. The way down no longer exists, and my only option is to fall. All I need is some of my own blood to push away the doubts and summon up the courage to jump.
We’re sitting there once again, with oceans of wine between us. My mind is buzzing with Thoughts, with questions: “How did we reach this far?” and “"What’ll we do with ourselves this afternoon? And the day after that, and the next thirty years?"”. I’ll start drinking, one glass, then another, and another, till all my thoughts are subdued and my mind is cleansed of their poison. My Feelings will finally surface, strong and unmistakable, and I will know for certain that I love you. And after that, I will drink some more, piling up the empty bottles and drowning my feelings with alcohol. Eventually, only Desire will remain, that overwhelming urge to hold you, to kiss you, to make love to you on that stupid couch. Then, I will drink again, and again, and again and again, drying up my veins until I cease to be, and all that is left of me is You.
posted by Without a Cause at 10:59 PM
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