Helen

Listen. There’s only one woman in this world. One woman with many faces.

(NIKOS KAZANTZAKIS – The Last Temptation of Christ)

1.
She looked up and smiled at me, that perfect little smile of hers that I knew too well and loved so much. Then she murmured a couple of incomprehensible words that my lips echoed back in utter silence while she walked away. And every morning, just for a few seconds, the ugliness of the world seemed to disappear.

2.
I started that day as usual, by listening to one of her songs. She describes how she waits in the rain for her lover who never comes. Then a stranger brings her a letter from him, which she opens only to find that his words have vanished. Like tears, his letters have dissolved in the rain drops and were lost forever. And every time I listened to that song it made me a bit happier, for my misery was nothing compared to the sadness in her words.

3.
I never really liked her or respected what she does. She was just another insignificant creature in yet another worthless crowd. But when she described how hard it was for her to get others to appreciate her work, I actually felt sorry for her. And as surprised as I was, I had no more doubts that a woman’s frustration can melt the iciest of hearts.

4.
She was trying to teach us something she never needed to learn. “Natűrlich” she was not that good at it. And whenever we asked her about something she didn’t know, she tilted her head a little and laughed innocently, just like a child. Eventually, the only thing I learned was how overrated the value of learning truly is.

5.
We were playing that stupid video game, and I won. And giving me a ride home that evening she had that weird expression on her face that I couldn’t really interpret. Was she a bad loser? Or was she sad because she thought she was a good player and now her list of skills diminished by one? Perhaps she was just disappointed because I was just as insensitive as she expected that I might be, gloating shamelessly over her defeat. I don’t know what it was, but for some reason, that evening she looked more attractive than ever.

6.
She was really mad at me for forgetting to get her a “birthday gift”, and I kept teasing her about it until she exploded in my face. Then, I surprised her with what she had waited for, and I couldn’t help but notice the tears that ran gently over her cheeks. Was I in love with her? I still cannot tell, but I know that those tears were the most precious gift I have ever received.

7.
She was enthusiastic about everything she did. Her childish and almost naïve passion was strong enough to elevate her above my cynical judgments and glorify all the silly little things she enjoyed doing. Her energy radiated so powerfully it made me want to change, to do things differently, to enjoy Life a bit more and even to dance a little. But one day, something was different, the fire inside her started to cool down. And as I saw this happening I knew that a certain part of me will soon be dead forever.

8.
I was really tired that day; I haven’t had enough sleep or food for almost a week. She took one look at me and started asking me about my health; was I getting enough sleep? Was I eating well? And even though we were never that close, I still felt that she was genuinely concerned about me. I guess all I can say is that compassion is a word that rarely exists in the male dictionary.

9.
There was something royal about her, like a Queen who lost her monarchy and had to step down to the places we inhibited. Still, she was always distant, a few levels higher than everyone around, as untouchable as she was in her palace. And as I looked at her I realized that nobility is the birthright of a select few, regardless of their family inheritance.


It’s Helen, before whom all the kings have knelt. It’s Helen, for whom a thousand Greek ships have sailed. It’s Helen, radiating beauty and inflicting misery upon the Trojans. It’s Helen in every face, and it’s driving me beyond madness.