Let's have a Toast

Yeah, sure, why not! I’ll drink to this, to that, and to a couple of other things. To you, to her, to us, to mistakes we’ll do all over again. To all the steps back, to realities we failed to change and we’re no longer certain we want to change. To foolishness, to idiocy, to stupidity, to all the things we still have in common with mankind. To lightness, that undesired feeling that weighs us down. To Freedom, to happiness, to Love, to every illusion we’ll never cease pursuing. To forgetting, to a past we imagined we could simply erase but never really could. To loneliness, to boredom, to ghosts that haunt us every hour of the day… But above all, let’s drink to God, to Death and to Beauty, to hopes and beliefs lost and regained within a second…

And after all the alcohol settles in, I’ll leave you there, staring as I tremble back to my car, fighting the strong temptation to get it all out, to throw up my whole existence right there before you on the sidewalk, to cry out all the frustrations that bind me to this ugly reality, and to yield to that overwhelming desire to hold you in my arms and keep you there forever.

Oh, the horrible things we do to ourselves just to silence our inner demons. We drink, and drink, and drink… until our feet fail us, and our words become less and less meaningful. The whole world is tuned down, but the ugly thoughts keep getting louder and louder, eating at our own sanity. We realize that we can never really drown them, yet we keep on trying all the same. We experience with our feelings, we walk willingly into abysses that hold nothing but pain, imagining it would kill some of the ghosts we hold inside. Still they emerge victorious, stronger than ever, and it’s just our souls that are weakened by the experience. We exceed our limits, overloading our bodies and exhausting them with physical labour they can’t possibly handle. Yet, as we lay down in our beds to rest, we see shadows dancing in front of our eyes, mocking our stupidity and the futility of our efforts. We try to escape, we run away into pills, and happy hours, and concerts. Into sleepless nights, and days of hunger. We read, and write and watch movies, we discuss stupid ideas and faiths and fantasies that remain totally irrelevant. We Socialize, we surround ourselves with a cloud of people of all sorts, trying everything to stall the inevitable moments when we’re left alone to battle with our own fears and doubts, without any chance to win, without any will to surrender.

Then, I’ll get inside my car, turn on the engine and switch on my half broken radio. I’ll search for whatever song that’s playing, and turn up the volume to the max, until the entire world is submerged under Music. I’ll drive aimlessly, singing along at the top of my lungs, until they burst, and I no longer feel a thing except for the sensation of blood rushing up my throat. I’ll drive faster and faster, leaving everything behind, trying in vain to run away from you, only to hit my rock-hard reality and feel alive once again just for a second before Death approaches from a distance to liberate me from my misery...