Saturday, May 17, 2008

60 Years

Last summer a friend of mine was conducting a survey on Palestinian Right of Return or Desire to Return as some might see fit to call it. The questions in the survey were extremely simple and to the point; eventually it all boiled down to a very familiar one: Would you, as a Palestinian, return if you had the right to?
Personally, I felt offended and I couldn’t explain why, until another friend told me she had a similar feeling. It felt as if my privacy was being invaded; that I was a guinea pig trapped in a lab with scientists watching my every move trying to analyze the LOGIC behind my actions. Worse even still, I felt that I was treated as a mere statistic.
Sadly, I couldn’t find the words to explain to my friend how it felt. For us, the question of Palestine remains extremely Personal, deeply connected to our most basic feelings and desires. It’s “the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock”, where dreams meet reality and logical choices are no longer possible.

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“But there is also a third, a mysterious and disturbing category of women. These are women we liked and were liked by, but women we quickly saw we would never have, because in relation to them we were on the other side of the border.”

– Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting –

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So, “What if this is as good as it gets?” This is the best this damned Life can offer you, and you’re still too reluctant to take it. There’s nowhere to go from here but down and you’re just too blind to see that. Your dreams are standing in the way of your reality, stopping you from pursuing paths that can lead you to Happiness. You’re throwing everything you have away over a chance that never existed, like placing all your chips on 37 and waiting for a miracle to happen. But wait… Isn’t that what Life is all about in the first place? About wasting everything you’ve got and waiting for the unknown, about hoping for something better to come, regardless of what you already have… Well, I guess I’m still too much of a coward to know.

It was the first time I met you, dragging your dreams into this world. And right there, where dreams met reality a sea of confusion emerged dragging you to its bottom. You tried so hard to raise your head above the water but your heavy load was pulling you down. My face appeared on the surface, a reflection of yours, and each of us extended a hand to pull the reflection into him. That’s how it really happened, on the border. We were crossing in from different sides, my eyes caught yours for a second and the flow of dreams and reality stopped, giving me time to hold you, time to start that little dance. Right there, on the border, where people crossed without looking back, we mocked the seriousness of Life and Death, and danced into eternity.

And you doubted that I really loved you. But I did, in the most peculiar way possible. Like an author loves his unwritten characters, before he offers them as a sacrifice to satisfy the blood thirst of his audience. I wanted to own you completely, mind and body and soul. I wanted to erase everything, and write you all over again. And you thought that I was simply insane, was I really?

But I wasn’t, because I was always there… I was there when a stuttering shepherd performed magic tricks and led Jewish slaves through the desert and across the sea into this land. I was there when an epileptic Jewish rabbi claimed he was the son of God and tried to save humanity with love, before he realized on the cross that hatred was much stronger. I was there when the verses of an illiterate orphan united tribes from the desert whose armies swept through our land on their way to Heaven. I was there when a Kurd leading an army of slaves and mercenaries battled European Kings over the way God should be praised in this land. I was there… in Russia, when a bald man with a funny shaped head was followed by hungry armies into the palaces of the Czars. I was there… in Germany, when a man with a square moustache was cheered by millions as a God, and I was there later on when that God sent the flawed children of Europe to their death. I was there… When the boats of the survivors reached the shores of our Land, and they started their revenge on mankind to declare once again that hatred is much stronger than love. I was there when an Egyptian general tried to play the role of the savior, but his armies were crushed within a few hours. I was there when brother fought brother, and the same blood was shed to quench the thirst of this land. I was there when an army of tough men crossed the sea again but had no idea what to do next, so they stood there watching as the tanks of an Israeli general marched into their capital. I was there when the same tanks were welcomed as they headed to another capital, already devastated by war.

I was there when you were born, out of all the oppression, the frustration, the hatred, the anger and the stupidity. I was there, standing among angels as they stared at God in amazement, still unable to believe that such Beauty could survive amid all the Ugliness that covered the world. So I had to come down, to be about my Father’s business, to prove to those eternally stupid creatures that everything was possible. I was there every step of the way… In Jerusalem, Amman, Cairo, Beirut, Baghdad, and Damascus, watching as you grew up, realizing that hate was much stronger than I thought, and that the killing would never stop. But that never really mattered, as long as you were surviving, as long as Love and Beauty had a chance. I was there, every second of your Life, and I will be there… I will be there as you labor to bring more Beauty into this ugly world, watching over that little girl with your face as she takes her first steps. And finally, when you rest your head in my lap, smiling, as you take one last breath before you fall into an eternal sleep, I will raise my eyes to the sky and whisper: “Father! We have succeeded.”

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

And that silence with the zero comment, should tell you something,
People are speechless before your words. Coz that was it , the original simple story from our side. And yes it's personal. Verymuch personal. .
Btw, i have always imagined palestine in that girl. That immortal beauty.
You're unborn yet .

5:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would you still be offended by your friend's question "would you return ? After a year, can you explain why ?

I share your belief that beauty is a good reason to stick around this ugly world. There's also the possibility that we can make this place a little bit less ugly.

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... hopefully you will whisper the same words that day when she rests her head in your lap, smiling, as she takes her first official breath to continue life, one where dreams are there to be lived.

1:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...if only these words take their lives!!! she would trust life

5:04 AM  

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