Saturday, December 29, 2007

Helen

Listen. There’s only one woman in this world. One woman with many faces.

(NIKOS KAZANTZAKIS – The Last Temptation of Christ)

1.
She looked up and smiled at me, that perfect little smile of hers that I knew too well and loved so much. Then she murmured a couple of incomprehensible words that my lips echoed back in utter silence while she walked away. And every morning, just for a few seconds, the ugliness of the world seemed to disappear.

2.
I started that day as usual, by listening to one of her songs. She describes how she waits in the rain for her lover who never comes. Then a stranger brings her a letter from him, which she opens only to find that his words have vanished. Like tears, his letters have dissolved in the rain drops and were lost forever. And every time I listened to that song it made me a bit happier, for my misery was nothing compared to the sadness in her words.

3.
I never really liked her or respected what she does. She was just another insignificant creature in yet another worthless crowd. But when she described how hard it was for her to get others to appreciate her work, I actually felt sorry for her. And as surprised as I was, I had no more doubts that a woman’s frustration can melt the iciest of hearts.

4.
She was trying to teach us something she never needed to learn. “Natűrlich” she was not that good at it. And whenever we asked her about something she didn’t know, she tilted her head a little and laughed innocently, just like a child. Eventually, the only thing I learned was how overrated the value of learning truly is.

5.
We were playing that stupid video game, and I won. And giving me a ride home that evening she had that weird expression on her face that I couldn’t really interpret. Was she a bad loser? Or was she sad because she thought she was a good player and now her list of skills diminished by one? Perhaps she was just disappointed because I was just as insensitive as she expected that I might be, gloating shamelessly over her defeat. I don’t know what it was, but for some reason, that evening she looked more attractive than ever.

6.
She was really mad at me for forgetting to get her a “birthday gift”, and I kept teasing her about it until she exploded in my face. Then, I surprised her with what she had waited for, and I couldn’t help but notice the tears that ran gently over her cheeks. Was I in love with her? I still cannot tell, but I know that those tears were the most precious gift I have ever received.

7.
She was enthusiastic about everything she did. Her childish and almost naïve passion was strong enough to elevate her above my cynical judgments and glorify all the silly little things she enjoyed doing. Her energy radiated so powerfully it made me want to change, to do things differently, to enjoy Life a bit more and even to dance a little. But one day, something was different, the fire inside her started to cool down. And as I saw this happening I knew that a certain part of me will soon be dead forever.

8.
I was really tired that day; I haven’t had enough sleep or food for almost a week. She took one look at me and started asking me about my health; was I getting enough sleep? Was I eating well? And even though we were never that close, I still felt that she was genuinely concerned about me. I guess all I can say is that compassion is a word that rarely exists in the male dictionary.

9.
There was something royal about her, like a Queen who lost her monarchy and had to step down to the places we inhibited. Still, she was always distant, a few levels higher than everyone around, as untouchable as she was in her palace. And as I looked at her I realized that nobility is the birthright of a select few, regardless of their family inheritance.


It’s Helen, before whom all the kings have knelt. It’s Helen, for whom a thousand Greek ships have sailed. It’s Helen, radiating beauty and inflicting misery upon the Trojans. It’s Helen in every face, and it’s driving me beyond madness.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Ugliness

It’s the dawn of the sixth day; the Universe is already created and done with, yet God remains restless on his throne. It’s his greatest achievement so far, but the stupefied gazes of the archangels are not enough to satisfy his ego. He needs a fresh pair of eyes to stare in amazement at his work, a limited mind to be astonished by his powers, senses that are still raw and pure to be raped by his marvelous creation. So… Adam comes to be.

Adam is created. He opens his eyes for the very first time, takes one look at the vast universe that stretches before him and starts screaming madly. God is disappointed; this is not the outcome he expected. He walks away leaving his servants behind to deal with the new creature. The wretched Adam is now shrieking in a voice that deafens demons in the deepest pits of Hell. He is tormented by the tremendous sight that is burned forever in his memory. The angels are barely able to stop him from gouging out his own eyes. They have no idea how to handle the situation, so they decide to tie him up and sedate him with alcohol until they figure out what to do. Finally, they come up with a solution; they veil the universe, disguising the horrendous details which God had put so much effort in creating. The angels are unaware that Adam, drenched in alcohol, can still see beyond their cover. Yet as he sobers up, reality starts fading away, and the world becomes slightly less intimidating, almost livable.

A few thousand or a few million years later, I’m sitting at a bar with some friends. I already had four drinks and was feeling a bit tipsy but still felt compelled to mock one of my friends for his extremely low alcohol tolerance. He decides to teach me a lesson; so he walks to the bar and comes back with a huge glass of the devil’s own cocktail, that radiating electric blue. Halfway through it, I’m already more drunk than I have ever been in my entire life. Then, something weird happens. I start seeing things differently and the almost familiar surroundings suddenly become alien to me. In a few seconds, I see the universe as it was created; Adam’s memory is brought back to life in front of me. Like a newborn I discover the world for the very first time, examining the tiny little details hidden in every corner. I stare at the moon, the sky, the stars, the walls, the streets, the tables, the people and a terrified cry almost escapes from my mouth. Suicidal thoughts run rapidly through my head, but alcohol stops them from taking shape. The world is too much for me to handle, and intolerable pain rips me apart as I realize that there’s nothing that I can do about it. Defeated, frustrated and isolated, I raise my eyes to meet God’s mocking gaze and ask him:

“Why does everything have to be so damn UGLY?

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Purpose

Something was definitely wrong; she hasn’t been herself lately. The sunshine in her laughter had been replaced by a forced and tired smile, and hope that once danced in her eyes suddenly escaped, leaving behind a void which sadness crept in to fill. Thick clouds were hovering over her peaceful and sunny world, and her thoughts started wondering beyond their usual borders, into the darkness.

There are moments in Life when you wish you have limitless God-like power, the power to change the world and fix all its imperfections. For me it was not the wars in the Middle East or child exploitation in Asia that I wished to stop. It wasn’t AIDS in Africa or poverty in South America that I wished to cure. It wasn’t the genocides or the holocausts I read about that I wished to erase. It wasn’t the volcanoes, the hurricanes, the earthquakes or the tsunamis that I wished to prevent. All I wanted was the ability to reverse Earth's rotation and bring back her laughter.

Unfortunately, I have no such power, and I still have no idea what is wrong.